Coming into being

Once, when I was a teenager, my mother strong armed me into taking our dog for a walk. She gave me the leash, the old newspaper bag for poop-scooping duty and ushered me out the door with the dog. She wanted me to be more active, to set me on the journey towards daily physical activity. I didn’t want to walk, I wanted to sprawl over the couch and read a romance novel.

I walked to just out of sight of the house and explored a tree that had a funny growth pattern for about fifteen minutes before returning. I was pondering all of the ill will for being forced to take the dog for a walk. Minute by minute, I waited until I was sure I could come home without suffering the consequence of feeling judged (even if only by myself).

I rewarded myself for all that effort with a giant bowl of goldfish. I practically lived on that snack, much to my mother’s dismay. I stuffed down the feelings of guilt for not actually taking that walk, the feelings of loneliness for not having much of a social life, the feelings of anger and betrayal around the way I looked and why it didn’t match up to the other girls in my class.

I judged myself harshly, probably harsher than the rest of the world and I used food to feel better. I didn’t have the skills to be better at self care, the confidence to reach for something nor the self-awareness to even realize that these behaviors were reminiscent of an eating disorder. I was fat, so therefore I couldn’t have an eating disorder. I wasn’t worthy of attention. I wasn’t, I couldn’t, I didn’t. I had set some strong limitations on myself and who I was in high school and it took years to even discover this.

As I have grown since then, it consistently amazes me how my relationship with food is intertwined with my relationship with myself, with how I perceive things are going with my significant other, with my measure of self worth. It is my hope to share these stories of growth, learning, and self-care with you.

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4 thoughts on “Coming into being

  1. Cede says:

    It IS amazing how much what we eat and how we think of what we eat affects every aspect of our lives. And yet it seems so crazy too. Somehow. I mean, this is the fuel for our physical selves. And yet we tend to abuse our bodies so much without thought.

    I look forward to hearing your experiences and following your journey.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. fighting for mei says:

    I too suffered from binge eating disorder, and my struggles with eating disorders continue to this day. It is so difficult to process and admit to ourselves, let alone so openly to others. I admire your strength and bravery. Thank you for sharing your story, and I too look forward to reading your blog and walking this path with you. Much love. ❤️💪🏼🌊

    Liked by 1 person

    • radiantselfcare says:

      One of the reasons I started this was that my therapist reminded me that the more in the open I am about it, the farther the little ED demons scurry away. Thanks for reading!

      Liked by 1 person

  3. Ellen says:

    Probably everyone has some kind of unhealthy relationship with food. The trick is to wrestle it into something that doesn’t bring you down one way or another. I have a fierce sugar addiction. Some days/weeks it wins. I know I have to manage it every day for the rest of my life. So it goes. Good luck!!

    Liked by 1 person

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