SAD is gone (right now)

I had a minor panic attack yesterday for no particular reason. I’ve been anxious all week (for reasons related to work & the re-start of grad school and holding myself to standards that even i’m not clear on) and we were talking about scary finances yesterday. I tried to watch a documentary about wine yesterday and then it included one of the Koch brothers so I had to turn it off. I haven’t been able to sleep well.

But I will take ALL of this as a side effect from my medication because it has made the SAD go away. I have the skills to manage the anxiety, I can ride it to get school work completed and completed well. If SAD were here, I don’t think I would get anything done. I haven’t used my light lamp all winter either!

I know medication isn’t for everyone, it has weird side effects which are always the absolute worst for 2-5 weeks in the beginning. But if you experience SAD and it’s inhibiting what you want to do with life, I would definitely recommend thinking about all your options and/or talking to a therapist/doctor to see if maybe medication can help.

Published online and unknowns

First, I had a personal story published on xojane today, which was a very pleasant surprise in a very doldrum day!

I can’t talk about it much in specifics, but I’m facing the possibility of semi-significant work choices that could shift my career direction. Each way the penny falls, though, has some downsides.

When I’m faced with a choice that has an equal number of downsides to the it’s upsides, it throws me into a bit of an emotional turmoil. I did well yesterday but today, a day after, I have a low level anxiety headache. I’ve felt distracted and unable to complete tasks. I’ve been stuffing the emotions down in the face of this lack of clarity, trying to focus and it hasn’t worked.

These kind of complex set of emotions are where my coping skills can both shine and, simultaneously, not be enough. Even when I do my self-care, I find myself struggling. I’m unsure of the next step, unsure of what else I could do.

Mostly, I’m unsure of how to sit with hard emotions, when you get down to it. I hate the uncomfortability of them and the inability of my coping mechanisms to make them go away. I know they make me stronger and that my coping mechanisms are to help me cope with those feelings but part of me wishes that the coping mechanisms would cure me of these hard feelings, that I would feel them for five minutes, use a coping mechanism and be back to my normal friendly empathetic self.